Cousin Chazz is probably never getting out of rehab. But what if there was a movie about his leaving rehab? A movie that revealed the truth as to why he had to hide out in a rehab when he didn't have a drug problem. A movie about Cousin Chazz and a tragic love affair; a movie full of white powder, brown women, and green beer -- quite simply the greatest hillbilly movie ever known.
-- Below is the 5 Minute opening scene (in draft) introducing a boy sheep-herd, an Irish gorilla, a crank lab, and also the finest pregnant bird CC ever knew.
THE BEAUTIFUL HILL IN THE MORNING
There is a boy. A near adolescent. He is standing at the top of a gorgeous brown hill watching sheep mill below.
He could be the shepherd boy out of a hundred pastorals. The time and place are dreamy vague here.
Then the pocket of his shorts sings EVE OF DESTRUCTION by The Turtles.
From his serf pants he pulls the seniorest MF'er of smart phones, and on it an alarm blinking with the music.
This kid looks down the other side of the hill from his sheep, where half a mile below him is a network of country trailers. And he RUNS.
Down the hill he kid-sprints; he hops stone walls.
He stutter-steps a cow, and runs faster. And arrives in the center of --
TRAILER TOWN
Is it noon? Where are the people?
The Kid marches up the center of town.
He kicks in the door of the first trailer -- There is a huge red-haired dude clutching the backside of a lady over a couch. Doggy-style doesn't do credit to what is going on here; call it the Monkey-Hump, like a big gorilla in the midst.
The red gorilla, a massive person, quits mid-hump, and stares out at the kid. His suffering lady-friend calmly waits on her elbows.
The kid moves on down the line. He kicks in the next trailer door.
Inside this trailer are five men around a long counter of cooking materials, and science project stuff. When the dead eyes of these men squint at the light the Kid slows his roll --
One of these men with the long greasy hair of a Black Crowes roadie, runs to slam out the light, and he hisses --
GREASEY BEAR
Get out!
The Kid marches on to the next trailer. As he does the red gorilla from trailer one, a man called BIG IRISH, stumbles out of the trailer behind. Dressed in white briefs, the big fella comes up behind the kid, and grabs him by the scruff of the neck.
He carries the kid into the alley. He pushes the kid against the aluminum siding of the trailer.
Two chickens cross the road at their feet.
As the aluminum crumples, a dirty gray hillbilly like a METH GANDALF peeks out of the trailer window directly above the kid.
BIG IRISH
You like kicking doors, do'ya?! You little prevert.
The kid holds the phone up. Then twists it so that Meth Gandalf snooping at the window can read the screen.
Big Irish watches Meth Gandalf with barely bubbling curiosity.
BIG IRISH
Let me see that.
He grabs the phone, and drops the kid.
First squinting, suddenly the big bastardy eyes go wide.
BIG IRISH (whispering)
Gibbets and soot. Fucking gibbets and soot. Get the trucks.
(louder)
Everyone! Trucks!
The Kid deftly steals back his phone from Big Irish.
All around town DIRTY FOLK are rising at noon, wondering what the heck is up.
BIG IRISH
Revenge!
The Kid glides through town tapping his screen.
In the far background Meth Gandalf and some others are consoling Big Irish.
The Kid strolls. Until his neck gets pinched again. He's lugged into the dark of another trailer.
IN THE TRAILER
A rather fancy young lady dressed in black, MOMIA JUANITA, sits the poor Kid down at a table.
She has scary yellow eyes, and she's using them like James Earl Jones in Conan.
At the table are open cans of ravioli.
MOMIA JUANITA
Eat.
THE KID
Ain't hungry.
MOMIA JUANITA
I opened this one for you.
The Kid takes some ravioli out of the can with his fingers. He looks up at Momia Juanita; the mourning gown can't hide her baby bump.
He chews his ravioli. Orange sauce mixes with the dirt on his face.
MOMIA JUANITA
What's happened?
THE KID
Nothin.
Instantly, violently, Momia Juanita swipes all the cans off the table and against the wall.
The Kid stops chewing.
THE KID
I tell you they'll make me sheep-herd for ever! I want road work!
MOMIA JUANITA
You Shit. I'll do worse.
THE KID
Ch&^%
(Inaudible)
MOMIA JUANITA
Speak up.
GUNSHOTS from outside.
Momia Juanita goes to the window, and draws back the newspapers.
OUTSIDE Pickup Trucks are circling, and Big Irish is one-arm firing a shotgun in the air like a lost Hussein brother.
She turns back, and crosses the room to a dingy homemade calendar, counts back days, flips back a month, and continues her count.
Her finger stops on Jun15. In the square someone had drawn a skull.
She flashes those eyes back at The Kid
MOMIA JUANITA
Sixty days.
KID
But I didn't tell you.
She straightens her gown.
She EXITS the TRAILER.
Moments later the sounds of yelling and screaming outside.
The Kid puts his phone on the table, and picks ravioli off the floor.
On the phone a simple line blinking: CC outta KF.
The Kid switches the phone over from blinking text to a game of Final Fantasy.
He walks out of the trailer.
OUT IN THE YARD
The Kid walks back up the road as Momia Juanita screams at Big Irish sitting solemnly in his truck.
Meth Gandalf standing by her, loads an old Colt revolver.
METH GANDALF
This must be settled, Luv.
The Kid walks back up past the cow. Still playing Final Fantasy.
He walks back up the hill. He sits at the top.
Way down the hill the caravan of trucks take off, the dust kicks up over the trailers, and whirligigs in the breeze.
Orcs die on his touch screen.
The Kid looks up. All the sheep have disappeared.
Then his phone dies.
He drops it on the ground, and wipes his nose with his sleeve.
He looks back down at the trailer village.
Empty and silent save for the black-clad lady.
AND DOWN THE HILL
Momia Juanita stands alone. Weeping quietly.
MOMIA JUANITA
El primo de los perros. Chazzy.
She touches her stomach.
A person sprints past her. She turns to look, and Greasey Bear is chucking his stringy self into the ditch.
Momia Juanita turns and looks at his trailer.
And the crank lab blows up.
TO BLACK
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