ALEXEI: The Fatwā on Chazz

Last known photo of Alexei Vladimirovich.. UNTIL NOW

It's been a year since Alexei Vladimirovich sent us a message.  That he lost the contest to replace Cousin Chazz, (while Chazz went to rehab), ended our relationship.  Now he is back.  And the news is troubling.

Yesterday.
Alexei?  Unconfirmed.
Muff Muff the Monster.  Confirmed

Greetings, deviant peanut butter eaters.  Delight in prepping your fantasy football draft while the infernal husk of your nation is picked upon like so much salsa verde at a strip mall Chipotle.  
For the first time in a year Alexei Vladimirovich feels alive.  The bugs are out of me.  And it has come to me to put an analogous halberd through the COVER-UP that this site has perpetrated on me and my great accomplishment!
When the pathetic and cowardly Cousin Chazz decided to pick on my brothers over the sea, he had forgot about little old Alexei sitting here at the 99 Lounge, making ends meet with a ventriloquist act, (Alexei and Muff-Muff the Monster, every Tuesday and Thursday night).  I read every stinking stupid post this Cousin posts.    Lists?  Is that what Americans want?  I HATE IT!  Here's a list for you:
Alexei Vladimirovich's Top Five Reasons Cousin Chazz is Finished
1 Because Alexei Vladimirovich has called for a fatwā on Chazz.
2 Because Alexei Vladimirovich leads a sleeper cell of heroes.  (By sleeper cell I mean I purchased a cell from the Thomaston Prison before they tore it down, and my friends sleep in it).
3 Because Muff Muff and I have proposed a new series of blog posts where we will insult America via ventriloquism.
4 Because Chazz is currently hiding out in the hills of Kezar Falls under many fake names, but still wearing his cap and glasses like a buffoon.
5. I don't have a fifth.

This boy-man is everything we despise about you people.  A brand-obsessed, #1 pointing, big sun glasses wearing, salacious, booty-obsessed, lantern jawed dope!  No more!
You like comedy?  Let Alexei and Muff Muff tickle your hilarity bones!
ALEXEI: Today was difficult.  The state has reneged on giving me my necessary dick pills.
MUFF: Meanwhile the ruling class watch True Blood on their iPads, and write shoe reviews to Amazon.
ALEXEI: To the bourgeoisie I sling arrowheads!!
Now that is comedy!
To recapitulate: Chazz, the symbol, is dead.  He has been cast into the wild, while I and Muff Muff are here to recast the world in our fluffy image!  Flat bums for everyone!