REPLACING CHAZZ: Alexei Vladimirovich

Alexei

With Cousin Chazz out, someone must come in.  Our first candidate to audition a new column is Alexei "Sandman" Vladimirovich, a Trotskeyist and recent émigré from Siberia, who has shacked up with a, how you say, progressive woman from Portland, and, ninety-day visa in hand, Alexei has begun composition of his periodical, Napitki Penisa Vody, on our decline here in the west -- Take it away, Alexei:

Greetings fat ones.  Enjoy your snack cakes while the infancy of your empire ages like an Indiana Jones villian who hath chosen the wrong cup!  I am sick, Gentlemen.  I am sick inside, and I can guess at this sickness -- I know of it's beginnings.  You see when I come to Portland, I see hill of dreams.  When Agatha took me to the Whole Food, I see the grapes of Rome!  In my country we ate potato seasoned with potato skin finished off with potato beverage!  But at the Whole Food there keeps semblance of just system in place.  It gives our brothers hard earned potato stuffs!!  Every man his due!  But then we go to Scarborough, and true enough, it is a scar on this land: Walmart, I say, I have heard of it.  I will not enter this place.  It is a house of the dead!
Aggie says, We need toilet paper.
No! I say.  In Ttchasusk we used potato as toilet paper!  And no toilet, we used our hats!
But as Agatha is the daughter of swine, she has the debit card.  I must follow her.
Debit Card!  You are vampyre with your debit, debit.  I curse you!  How embarrassing, Agatha swiping the debit debit at the Rite Aid for erectile pills!  In Tithciusk you don't need erectile pill, you had potato!  ...
But for Walmart then: This place has stepped on the little old father like so much dog waste!!  Thirty years little old father bled the rubes dry with his tchotkes, and now he is snuffed out -- this foul place.  What was wrong with the village, corrupted by greed, stabbing each the other over necessary consumables!  This is the path!  Now, instead, we have this Walmart with all it's things.  I say I will not go in.  But I do go in.  But I go in to fight!  Revolution!  A thousand year revolution!  One country is not enough, we will all link hands one day, and Walmart will be the first to fall!  A people's revolution against -- oh, look, paper clips!  Paper clips of every color and size, all bunched together, all the paper clips for the rest of my life in one box, and for a pittance!  A peasant can live like a king here! -- (No wait, what am I saying? shh, Alexei, the boys down at the social club do not forgive):
This Walmart has uglied the landscape, enslaved the people!  They pay their employees in dogmeat!  I, for one, am through using the deodorant and toiletries of this western demidevil!  Join with me, my Brothers, and together we can put a stop to poor people saving gas money by buying everything at the same store!  Together we can end the harsh treatment of the Walmart employees! -- were they properly unionized, those greeters out front could do better than ten dollars an hour to get out of their houses and pretend strangers are their own neglectful children!  (Wait a second, old and infirm, far past validity in the disastrous economic structure of this pigsty, can make ten dollars an hour?  That buys so much catfood!  No, no, you fool!)  
I will never shop at a store that will not sell me musical swear words!!  Walmart, I hate you!  And I know many people from your own declining civilization that hate you!  We will have the last laugh, Gentlemen!!  Now if you need old Alexei, he will be at the Liquor Mart, drinking Tater Wine.
NY: And with that, Alexei has thrown his hat in the ring.  There will be other candidates.  Oh, yes, there will be.