REPLACING CHAZZ 4: Allan Poe Nelson aka Johnny Westbrook

Don't let this old man fool you; back in the day, before Allan became a respected environmentalist up in Orono, he was the coolest cat in all of Greater Portland; no one had the coolest things before "Johnny Westbrook", go ahead and ask him:

Greetings friends, and let me say, it is a pleasure to be here with all two of you -- kidding! -- look, I know they want me to tell you that back in the 90's I was sporting Umbro shorts and a BUM Equipment hoodie while everyone in town wore shithead Lee jeans, but I'm not going to do that.  No, I'm going to use this "valuable" space to talk to you today about the dangerous effects we, humans, are having on Maine's ecology.

-- But before I do, let me just say: remember when you were blowing into the back of a Nintendo cartridge like a two-dollar hooker?  Yeah?  While you were doing that I was killing Moto-Roader on my brand spanking new Turbo Grafix 16.  That's 16 BITS.

-- I was the guy in '96 eating at Subway when all you suckers were sitting in the drive-thru at McDonalds.  I knew.  I did.

-- When you troglodytes were sucking down Orange Crush, I was having Red Bull shipped from Europe.

-- I had Reebok Pumps.  You didn't.  But what I really want to talk to you about today is the introduction of non-native pike to our lakes, and how they are destroying our trout population, but before I do, let me just say: I was the first guy at Deering to have Oakley sunglasses.  And didn't it just BURN!!!!!

-- I never lost a game at Funtown.  When I came up to the ticket booth they got on their walkies.

-- None of you dipped your bread in olive oil and herbs before me.  None of you.

-- I was the first guy in Cumberland County to kick-flip.

-- I ate Sushi.  1997.  Take that.  Doesn't that BURN!

-- You were listening to the Rolling Stones in 1971?  I already listened to Zeppelin.  I was 1.

-- While you people were building fallout shelters I knew it wouldn't happen.

-- You idiots were still spelling your names seven different ways a day in 1601: I anchored the English Language!!  

-- I was talking about how there should be a new Testament when you were still reading the Old.

-- We are murdering the Earth.  Out.