MUSKY: Eulogizing Tina Copperzink

Al Muskrat's history column is postponed until next month because he felt strongly we post his eulogy for Tina Copperzink.

AL MUSKRAT JR: Tina was a wonderful gal.  A lot a lot and several men have already come up here to talk about their times with Tina, but none of them loved her like I did.    A lot of dudes loved having sex with Tina, they did, but me I also like the non-sex times we spent together.  Every Thursday night Tina and I would split a 30 rack of Miller High Life and hate all of you on Facebook.  Good times.  Tina and I would walk the Wolf Sanctuary in Bar Harbor and drop slices of baloney at every tree.  Then we'd sit in her 1979 Dodge Warlock, smoke a doobie, and argue about the greatest country music recordings by non-traditional country music artists until we heard screaming -- 
Our unofficial top 5 was:
1. Blue Moon of Kentucky - Elvis Presley
2. Dead Flowers - The Rolling Stones
3. Girl From the North Country - Bob Dylan
4. Purple Rain - Prince
5. Every Time I Turn Around - The theme from Punky Brewster
Tina Copperzink was a good woman, no matter what the Buxton Town Hall had to say about her children always getting lost in the woods.
Tina Copperzink had honor.  She had brains.  She had sass in abundance.  But let me tell what she had most of all: Big brass balls.  You don't grow up in East Dinksborough Maine around all the animals in this hellhole, and not develop a protruded sack of courage.  She was a tiger.  
Tina Copperzink ended more love affairs without ever hurting one dude's feelings as any lady that ever was.  What she'd do was, when she knew it was time for the fair to be moving on, she'd stop shaving.  When finally the hick would inquire as to why Tina's legs were scratchy, her armpits bushy, her upper lip latiny, she'd tell that man that a werewolf had bit her, and he had better run.  That's empathy.
When I heard the tragic news that Tina had perished attempting to jump her three-wheeler off the Saco River Bridge onto a pontoon boat, I knew she died doing what she loved.  Here's to Tina, the best woman I ever knew.