Rad Ricky is the self-proclaimed God of Script Doctors. He's patched up every flailing dumb screenplay that later became a movie you didn't see in the theater, but did on Netflix. Years of humping bad movies with his genius has left him bitter. As such he wants to prove that hackwork is an art. Below he stakes his claim with a REWRITE OF THE OLD TESTAMENT.
Genesis 1
(aka Darkness on the Surface of the Deep)
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
BANG. Heavens. Earth.
God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
GOD: Light it up.
5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." There was evening and there was morning, one day. (it's light before there's a sun? Weak -- RR)
God said, "Let there be an expanse in the middle of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters."
God made the expanse, and divided the waters which were under the expanse from the waters which were above the expanse; and it was so.
(The paragon of clarity this -- RR)
God said, "Let the waters under the sky be gathered together to one place, and let the dry land appear"; and it was so.
Suddenly time and space snap, crackle, pop.. a line of demarcation between the sea and the air, between day and night, and all is as if it has always been.
God called the dry land "earth," and the gathering together of the waters he called "seas." God saw that it was good.
GOD: Land? Nay. Call it EARTH. Yeah...
God said, "Let the earth yield grass, herbs yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit after their kind, with its seed in it, on the earth"; and it was so.
And even as he names this world, all across the earth are grown up a forest; the third most magic forest ever behind Macbeth and Treebeard. Trees. Shrubs. Sorghum. Mistletoe. Bamboo.
There was evening and there was morning, a third day.
CHIRON: DAY 3
God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of sky to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years;
GOD: Signs. Seasons!
And even as he calls it, a year passes in a moment. Each season reigns for a millisecond: fall, winter, spring, and back again to an ageless summer.
GOD: Nice.
God made the two great lights: the place, and let the dry land appear"; and it was so.
For the first time we see the planet from a GOD'S EYE VIEW, literally. His old man hands reach down and fingerpaint the sun and moon in place like a six year old on an iPad.
17 God set them in the expanse of sky to give light to the earth,
18 and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness. God saw that it was good.
19 There was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.
CHIRON: DAY 4
20 God said, "Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth in the open expanse of sky."
ANGLE ON a beach out of a Corona commercial.
GOD: Now then. About creatures..
From the ocean rises a figure. A gorgeous naked lady riding on an oyster shell.
GOD: You know what? Not yet..
And as a reverse-version of an evolutionary drawing the Babe retreats into a transformation; she is a caveman; she is a monkey; she splits in two, and is a fish and a bird. The bird snaps up the fish.
22 God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth."
GOD: Hold up, Bird. Bird, hold up --
The bird flies off with the fish.
23 There was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.
CHIRON: DAY 5
24 God said, "Let the earth produce living creatures after their kind, livestock, creeping things, and animals of the earth after their kind"; and it was so.
Over the land we see every animal ever. Very Disney-like these original drafts.
26 God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the sky, and over the livestock, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." and it was so.
And then God makes a man.
GOD: Bro, these birds, and really all these damn creepers, they're yours, Bro.
MAN: To do anything I want with?
GOD: I mean, don't have sex with them, but yeah.
MAN: I look like you?
GOD: Yes.
MAN: So I'm kind of like the Solid Snake to your Big Boss.
GOD: What?
MAN: I'm a clone.
GOD: That's not it at all --
MAN: A replicant? He say you Brade-wunna, Mr. Deckard!
27 God created man in his own image. In God's image he created him; male and female he created them.
GOD: You have to understand, I'm both male and female.
MAN: Kinky.
28 God blessed them. God said to them, "Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
Here God makes the lady again.
MAN: Jesus Christ, look at the boobies on that!
GOD: That's completely inappropriate.
31 God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. There was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.
GOD: All by Day Six, Crackers.
A cow in a field moos. PAN to a wolf literally sharpening his carving knives. PAN to The Man polishing a rock. Pan to a robot projecting a hologram of an articulated M4 assault rifle with eyes and mouth --
M4: Don't worry, Bro, it'll get easier.
MAN: Wolf! Get away from my food!
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