COMICAL: 3 on Kids Writ in an Hour

While there are countless creeps on the Facebook to be wary of, none will be as uniquely damaging as the guy above.
The sad irony is this chap's possible discovery by your kids would be your own fault.  This is Jim, the jerk you used to date back in the day.  Ladies, your kids will be bored enough some afternoon to scan your friend list.  They will find this guy with this goatee and this hat.  When they ask you, you can try to lie.  But imagine the Facebook chat possibilities:
KID: Who are you and how do you know my mom?
JIM: Your mom's Cynthia?  Wow.  How is she?
KID: She's fine, she's my mom, whatever.  How do you know her?
JIM: How to put this.. We were friends.  Back in the summer of '95 we were very, very good friends.  This may be hard for you to believe, but before your mom was a mom, she was the sexiest waitress that ever worked the Governor's in Bangor.  Hmm.. Mm, mm.
KID: I know I'm a kid, but transcribing the verbal noises of thinking back to an earlier time is awkward.
JIM: Not for me.

2BEST UNCLE EVER
"I want to listen to Justin Bieber!"
"We're listening to George Jones."
"No!!  Bieber!"
(Brakes - Screech!)
"You listen to me you little twerp, you don't know this yet, but listening to George Jones is the best thing I can do for you.  I know it sounds dumb now, but understand, any nine-year old can appreciate Justin Bieber, but you won't be nine forever.  There will be a day, you'll be in your mid-thirties, by then you'll have been hurt by a woman, and a woman will have been hurt by you; you'll have worked several jobs you don't care for; you'll yearn for beer and whiskey like you would that beautiful woman you hurt/hurt you.  By this time the heartbreak, the failure, and the hangovers will have iterated to a moment of enlightenment you have earned.  But it doesn't come.  When this happens Bieber won't be there for you, but George will.  Now shut up, and listen.


*FOURTH GRADE HEMINGWAY 
I imagine this kid flipping through a couple pages of sloppy cursive writing, This is crap, crumpling them up, Crap!, and burying his head in his hands.
No, no, no.  I've lost it.  I've lost my talent.  Was not I the kid who changed the very fabric of 3rd Grade with my book report on Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator?  Now, just one year later, and I have nothing!  Nothing!  I'm a hack!  They told me the Juicy Juice would dull my senses, my gifts, and I didn't listen, but the proof is on the floor over there, my crumpled shame!!  The worst book report on James and the Giant Peach ever!