OUT BACK OF THE KEZAR REHAB
Rehab white sneakers running most vigorously.
Mowed grass to high grass to rough to a shallow stream
Chazz. Dressed in his lame rehab clothes, carrying his hobo-satchel full of deodorant, damn fast chucking it across the back woods of the Kezar Falls.
As he scrambles up the other side of the stream, he turns and looks back..
A damn'd column of trucks are driving across the countryside. At him. You know, not parallel or what-have-you.
COUSIN CHAZZ
Stupid Rolls Royce. Out of fuel.
He gets going.
INTO THE WOODS
Chazz comes to a stop, and kneels, breathing heavy, hiding in a copse of trees.
COUSIN CHAZZ
God. Talk to me, Bro.
(beat)
What should I do? Now these men, these is the worst curst of all-time ever. They are gonna kill me, Dude.
(beat)
I know. I know I shouldn't have messed with Juanita. I know the old men put the mark of the Indian to her long ago, but I couldn't help myself!
(crying)
I know you don't care about the spectacular hind-quarters she possesses, but I am a man, dammit. A man! I'm not perfect, God. Close, but not perfect. I'm just Chazz, do you understand?
Suddenly!
GRAVEL THROAT
The human body is essentially something other than an animal organism..
Chazz looks up. Standing before him is a very old man.
COUSIN CHAZZ
God?
GRAVEL THROAT
Heidegger.
COUSIN CHAZZ
I'm not one for the Krauts. How'bout this one: Mama, she done told me, Papa done told me too: Son, that girl you're foolin wiv, she ain't no good for you.
GRAVEL THROAT
But that's alright.
COUSIN CHAZZ
Well, Kiddo, at the moment it isn't.
Chazz looks back through the trees. And trees. And more Rashomon-like trees: Trucks are coming.
GRAVEL THROAT
Come with me. My place isn't far from here.
COUSIN CHAZZ
Your place, huh? I've fallen for this one before.
GRAVEL THROAT
I'm not gay anymore.
Trucks. Trucks. And trucks.
COUSIN CHAZZ
Not much of a choice.
CUT TO:
As dusk arrives, Enter Cousin Chazz with Gravel Throat.
COUSIN CHAZZ
What with the high-falutin quote-work I figured on more than a barn, Bud.
GRAVEL THROAT
This is my summer place.
COUSIN CHAZZ
Where's your other place?
GRAVEL THROAT
You been to the Congress Street Greyhound?
Gravel crosses to what is as a small room set up in the middle of this barren stable; a table, a chair, a firepit, a pot, a spice rack.
Gravel Throat sits, and stokes the fire. He pulls dandelion greens out of a gadget belt on his waist, and gets to it apothecary-like. Little bit of this, little bit of that --
COUSIN CHAZZ
Fennel seeds with dandelion greens, no good, Dude.
GRAVEL THROAT
It is not about taste. This is craft-work I'm up to. Sit down and shut up.
Chazz sits in the dirt. And watches.
Gravel Throat cooks in pot. He presents some elm bark. He takes out his fennel greens, wraps them up in the tree bark. Sticks it in his mouth, and, finally, pulls out a base lighter, and smokes up.
The first drag is long and luscious.
GRAVEL THROAT
Mmmmmmmm. Guldang that's good.
He hands it over.
COUSIN CHAZZ
No thanks. Maybe if you had some thyme. I mean I'd definitely be up for snorting rutabaga.
GRAVEL THROAT
(creepy-like)
I'm not asking.
Chazz takes the stogie.
Gravel Throat reaches into his Bat-belt, and pulls an iPod. He sets it down, stands it up, as if it is the third hobo at the camp. And plays it. Frankie Valli. Can't Take My Eyes Off You.
: Duh dut duh duh, Duh dut dut Duh duh.
Chazz takes a hit. Impactful.
: You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you.
He hands it back.
: You'd be like heaven to touch. I want to hold you so much.
Gravel Throat hits the fatty again. And smiles.
: At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I'm alive.
GRAVEL THROAT
Chazz..
: You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you.
COUSIN CHAZZ
How'd you know my name?
GRAVEL THROAT
(holds up Dandelion Blunt)
This is this, Chazz.
: Pardon the way that I stare. There's nothing else to compare.
Now Chazz is tipping, Homey. This old man is morphing into Robert DeNiro in a green beret.
GRAVEL DENIRO
This is this. This'not something else. THIS is THIS.
(and he sings)
The sight of you leaves me weak. There are no words left to speak. But if you feel like I feel --
COUSIN CHAZZ
Dude, I don't --
GRAVEL DENIRO
Please let me know that its real.
Chazz scrambles to his feet. Here comes the singing spider Deniro from Deerhunter molesting hobo monster right at him.
GRAVEL DENIRO
You.. too good... to be.. true.. Can't take.. eyes... YOU!
: Duh duh, duh duh, Duuh duh dut tuh tuh!
Closing in.
: Duh duh, duh duh, duuh duh dut tuh tuh!
Circling.
: DUUHHHH!!
And Chazz Front-Kicks Gravel in the chest, and sends him flying.
Gravel smashes through a wall. And lands on a.. is that.. a car?
Chazz steps through the hole his fallen foe made in the barn wall, and revealed to him is what can only be a mint 1971 purple Hemi Cuda...
: I love you, Baby! And if it's quite alright, I need you, Baby, to warm the lonely night! I love you, Baby, trust in me when I saaaaay!
Chazz looks longingly at the lovely lines of the lucasana.
He steps over the unconcious Gravel, and looks in through the passenger window.
The keys are in it.
MOMENTS LATER
: And let me love you, Baby, let me LOVE YOOOOUUUUU!
The Cuda rumbles out of the barn, and off into the night.
Down on the floor of barn Gravel Throat wakes up.
GRAVEL THROAT
I'll never forget you...
(Notices it is very quiet.)
Wow. The car I understand, but the iPod?
3 comments:
...but why the ipod?
Made me laugh
To steal a hobo's iPod. Cold.
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