CHAZZ: Rumford Is For Lovers

+ Rumford, Maine was settled in 1782 by a gaggle of dopes out of Shrewsbury, Mass who ran up north as conscientious objectors of the Revolutionary War.  While Rumford has moved on from the fact that these cowardly coats loved their king, there are other bad Shrewsbury habits that have been passed on even up to today's generation of Rumfordians -- for instance: Rumford is the birthplace of the horrific Maine accent, an accent I can only describe as, "Mark Wahlberg ate a jar of paste".

+ Also: Rumfordians eat prime rib every single night while off track betting on dog races, even if those dog races are in their imaginations.  
+ You might think I'm fibbing with history in these travelogues, but I assure you, no one, not even me, Cousin Chazz, is clever enough to just make this up off-hand.  Rumfordians are a queer lot: one forefather of Rumford, Daryl Leland Washington the III, is famous as the coiner of the phrase, "full of piss and vinegar".  You'd think the phrase came out of the kind of tweaker behavior that one expects someone pissing out vinegar would be up to, but this is just not the case.  Daryl Washington was drunk.  He said a lot of things.

+ When I came into Rumford it was made glorious summer for this son of Yo', but the town folk barred me from even purchasing a bottle of Pepsi Max at the Valero.  Finally I met one kind soul, a lady known as Gramma Moses, who allowed me to stay at her farm on the promise that I would do a day of work for her.
+ After a fine meal of apple stew with Gramma Moses and her staff, I asked what the work would be the next day.
"You have a choice." Gramma said.  "There are two gangs in Rumford, one runs the pills, the other runs the weed -- you must Sanjuro-style do them both up, until they destroy each other..."
"What's the other option?"
"You escort my granddaughter to church."


+ It was an easy choice when I met one Tess Moses.  Ouch.  She was like a cross between Evangeline Lilly and a Saluki.









+ Wubba, wubba, wubba.

+ I took option 2.  
(And I'd like to mention here that your favorite cuz has taken some criticism for his habit of comparing women to animals; to feminist and beastiality aficionado alike, I say this: I AM AN ARTIST, or as Mark Wahlberg with a jar of paste in his mouth would say: Uh fah kin ahh tis.

+ I took Tess to church.  
The walk under the elm trees was romantic.  I think we both felt the electricity, (from the christmas lights Rumfordians dangle out of every elm tree year round).
What do you want me to say?  Tess was beautiful, she was talented; she had sing-ging lessons, she had ack-ting lessons, she had dans-king lessons; she was the best.. The best.
And then I left her at the chapel.
This should be a valuable lesson to all: ol'Cuzzy Chazz, he got no grit, he got no smarts, he got no Amex -- what he got is a cool hat, big sunglasses, a defined jawline, and one hell of an index finger -- in this crazy world that do amount to a hill of beans.