CHAZZ: Hiram Is A Den of Iniquity

So gone to seed are the lascivious residents of Hiram that Father Rusty Steeds has proclaimed their souls lost to Satan -- from the Castine Columbian Gazette 1808

No town in the history of this state is as famous for sexual deviance as Hiram.  In 1808 the population of Hiram was 1,100.  All perverts.  Today the population is about 1,300.  And not much has changed on the perversion.
I asked a lifelong resident, a man known as Leather Charlie, why is Hiram so full of what my Uncle Steve would call, (in the manner of any good Limtuckian), "pre-vats", and Leather Charlie's answer was simple: They were shipped in from Canada.  Every godforsaken perv, peda, and peepee puffer from every doghouse, henhouse, outhouse, and fuckhouse in all of Quebec were sent to Hiram, Maine.  And from what I have surmised, with admittedly poor research, is that the State made a deal with Canada for some trout eggs; Hiram Plantation was a secret work stop for the frenchiest frenchmen, and humpiest ladies -- never more than 1,500 at a time could do penance there.
Ironically the penance seems to have always been, after all these years, a gigantic bump-party.
When I passed through Hiram I was taken aback.  It was like something out of Eyes Wide Shut -- a lot of naked white people in pig masks, (I say masks, but what I mean is the heads of pigs -- waste not, want not).

Then I met her.  Servilia DeMisenplace.  What a looker.  She was like a cross between Keira Knightley and Falkor.  

Servilia told me that many of the good people who had been sent to Hiram over the years were decent people unfairly judged for what should always have been there own goddamned business.  My reply was that I didn't really understand what she meant, and perhaps she could show me.

There aren't many bedroom tricks that Cousin Chazz hasn't performed, had performed on him, invented, tested, perfected.. I'm a scoundrel from way back.  But after a weekend with Servilia, I was like the Little Mermaid, singing, A whole new world!  It was a shame I had to sneak out in the middle of the night, and hitch a ride hiding in a pile of hay on the back of a wagon.  

I'll leave you with this, Cousin Chazz's Top Five Sex Tricks:
5: Gilding the Lily
4: Scupping the Leprechaun
3: Crystal Blue Protrusion
2: The Ancillary Finger
1: Ransacking the Cave of Sorrows