thought I was done with my Cousin Chazz, (what with his going into hiding), unfortunately he has as many readers as I do. It being what it is, Chazz has proposed, (as he is still in hiding), to write a travelogue of the many towns and hamlets he visits, (always long after he has moved on to the next location). As had been rumored, he spent much of last year in the hills of Kezar Falls; I asked Chazz why anyone would want to read his notes on the culture, flora, and fauna, of these small Maine towns; his answer was this, "Have you ever been standing in line at the Valero with your beer, cigarettes, and your scratchers, and overheard the dolt in front of you refer to a certain town as Limtucky?"
My answer was, "Never."
"Exactly.", Chazz said, "I'm like a cross between Italo Calvino and Emilio Estevez: I'll make'ya famous!"
On to the Chazz + Kezar Falls journal..
Keza is famous for its purple-spotted mountain weed; lets just say one needn't lace it with pcp to hallucinate. One night while walking with my bodyguards along the hillside paths near our hideout, we smoked up -- then turned into Gremlins. I don't mean Gremlins from the movie, I mean Gremlins from the breakfast cereal based on the movie. When the Keza-herb turns you into a tiny corn and sugar sculpture of a Gremlin, (or any other hallucination), the Kezas call this, "Getting double-pumped by the Unicorn".Kezar Falls has a famous local brew called Kezweiser. It makes the Kezas merry.. (and marry). They make it from turnips, and every time the Kezas get into a drinking session they get misty-eyed for their long lost homeland; they call that place Moria, and they opine about how non-Kezas call this place a mine, "A mine!", (but from what I hear it's more like a tomb).
I should have told you that all Kezas refer to everything as a Keza. This is because above everything besides Moria, Kezas love The Smurfs, and have adopted a like language to that tribe.
Up in the Kezas the Kezas kez up a wonderful local delight known as Trout Candy. What they do is wait until a heron has pulled a dozen trout out of one of their ponds, then they steal the trout, (it's not that Kezas are poor fisherman, they just love the look on that stupid heron's face); anyway, they clean the trout, chuck the filet back into the water, then microwave the bones and guts with cinnamon, top it with mustard, dip it in hot chocolate, then freeze them in ice cube trays.. delish...
Kezar Falls and all Kezas revere the famous local poet Henny Von Kezrich for his romantic verses on their culture. Here is Von Kezrich's most famous pastoral about the Kezas:
Keza Keza from Moria left
With booze and weed, yet still bereft
To the mountains, purple red and gold
In Freedom, New Hamshir, is their weed sold
Keza Keza thou pale indian folk
Are o'the Res here in the wolk
The wolky wood has curse'd thee true
With desire for beer, dope, and screw --
Maybe this is all in my mind, but the stars over the Keza seem a little bit brighter, lil'bit closer. Some say this is because the Keza is one of those ley lined locales of which Art Bell would have interest. This would mean Keza is like the island on Lost, but with a different kind of smoke monster: there's this guy, Harry, who everyone calls Smoke Monster, because he smokes his purple mountain weed out of a bowl carved from a ceramic Cookie Monster.
The Kezan fields are rich with turnips from which they brew their Kezweiser, but there is a lesser known local crop, one far more wondrous -- it's called Kezaroot. Kezaroot is miraculous in that it simulates a healing potion from a video game. Hungover? Chew a kezaroot. Break your leg? Kezaroot. Catch some herpes? Root. Just don't mix kezaroot with Kezweiser -- that will simulate something else out of videogames: you know how in video games you can see the numerical value of what damage weapons do to monsters? Mix root and weiser, and every time you speak, a number will appear above your head to rate how much your words hurt.
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