FLASH STUPID: The Death of Albert Muskrat Jr. by Vampires

No matter what they tell you, AM didn't kill himself. While he was discovered strung up by a jump rope on the loading docks of the East Dinksborough Sam's Club, and while he is infamous on Google+ for his fondness of amatory asphyxiation, this is not the open/shut case Chief Redblatt told us. AMthe2 was murdered, my friends. Murdered by vampires.
I see you doubt me. You think I've read too many Stephen King books from back when he was good. Do not doubt that the undead walk among us. East Dinksborough, what with its Maine state record three Wendy's, and many "healthy" residents, is a town with an excess of blood. Ally the Musk knew this. He tried to tell us. Every one of you avoided his vociferous warnings before you got him fired from the Hess, because, as Lucille has told me, he was "freaking customers out" talking about vampires. Here I will quote from a call A to the Rat made on Late Night, Early Mourning with Norman Mourning on April the 12th of last year --
NM: Musky in Maine, you are on the air.
Musk: Greetings, Norm.
NM: Where in Maine, Musky?
Musk: I'd rather not say...
NM: Why is that?
Musk: Vampires.
NM: Tell us more, Musky. Are these sexy vampires?
Musk: Not at all. Anything but. Vampires are not sexy. If pedophiles had spent a thousand years weaving lies into literature that their ignominious kind were sexy, you'd probably .. Oh, wait. Nabokov. Let me --
NM: Musky--
Musk: Norm, let me remetaphor.
NM: Fine.
Musk: What if Americans had written books. Sexy books. For cows. Written in a cow language, or having invented a helmet that gave the bovine ability to read books, these stories tell lonely lady cows about how erotic it should feel to them when humans eat a hamburger. You see? Lady cows.
NM: I'm bailing on this call --
Musk: Hold on! Third time is a charm. One more. Si?
NM: Sure.
Musk: Imagine we live in a world where air was water and water was air --
(Mourning hangs up)

You see, my friends. He was trying to warn us. This is why the undead strung him up with that jump rope, and left that condom on him.