CHAZZ: Lusts For Rachel Maddow

As mentioned months ago, Cousin Chazz has been the victim of a fatwā called down upon him by Alexei Vladimirovich.  Since that day he has been hiding in a nondescript compound in the hills of Kezar Falls.  With nothing but a few loyal followers, and a pirated MSNBC feed, an obsession has taken hold of him.  His boys have told him that with this doe he should call off the hunt.  

As Orsino says in Twelfth Night:

Oh, when mine eyes did see Olivia first,

Methought she purged the air of pestilence.

That instant was I turned into a hart,

And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,

E'er since pursue me.

Or As Chazz himself says:

Lady reindeer are just as horny.

(too true Chazzy, baby -- unfortunately for you, like Olivia in Twelfth Night, this one is inclined to fall in love with a girl dressed like a boy.  We haven't had the heart to tell him the truth, as such, here is his first public message out of the compound -- professing his increasingly troublesome sexual fascination with a particular lib opinionator. 

Cousin Chazz

@cousinchazz

Cultural Commentator, Diet Pepsi King, America's Cousin

My dear Ms. Maddow.  When I first laid eyes on you I thought: there's something different about this doe-eyed damsel.  And I do mean damsel, as in, an unmarried woman of noble birth.  Me'Lady, let me just say, when it comes to tussling with unmarried ladies, I am, how you say?, progressive.  My lackeys infer you're not the type to partake in a stolen weekend of high end lust-work with me; allow me to just say, a weekend with the Cuz is a lot like high end vitamins: he leaves you buzzed and hungry, with newly clear skin and a shiny coat.  I'll admit that my aesthetic tendency is tipped more toward the classic archetype we in the Limtuck call the Floozy, but you've struck me as just the kind of gal that could change Chazzy nearly as much as Chazzy will change you.  If you were to allow me to lay my healing hands under your suit-coat, I'll prove to be a level-capped cleric: starbursts; globes of light; hit points completely rejuvenated.  And I would hope you could show me a thing or two, and I'm not even talking about boobs - (yet).  As Paula Abdul once said, "Opposites attract".  Too true.  You went to Stanford; I went to Job Corps.  You live in the lily-white Western Mass woods; I live in the dirty white Limtucky woods.  You refer to yourself as Liberal; I don't know what that is.  You're all suit-coats and Buddy Holly glasses; I'm all Chazz.  Let's make this sex happen.  It may be some time before I can come out of hiding, so the fire of desire I've lit in you needs must wait; embers, babe, they're angry snowflakes.  Don't know what that means?  Neither do I.  I understand this affair is but a dream that likely can never be; like glass bottle Pepsi Max, you and me is anachronistic.  But as Tony Romo once said --        Don't stop.. Believin.                          Chazz, out.