A LeFin Adventure:
HICKORY DICKORY DOOM
It begins BELOW!!
NARRATOR
Witness Stephen and Hildy, a newly-wedded couple, having just returned home with the spoils of a long Vermont antiquing honeymoon. Unfortunately it has become clear that they have brought something very wrong back with them....
(ENTER)
Thunder. Rain. An ominous knock. A door opens.
STEPHEN
LeFin? It is you! Get in here, old chap! Wow. LeFin, the one and only, in the flesh. How long has it been? Not since the "Recondite Report of the Malformed Marionette" Those were the days, eh, old Chap!
LeFIN
Of course, of course. I take it this is the object you called me about? Yes, I see. Quite oddly formed.
STEPHEN
No, LeFin, this is Hildy, my wife.
HILDY
Eyes up here, please, Professor LeFin.
STEPHEN
Here, LeFin. Here is the strange object I spoke of over the phone. This strange clock here.
LeFIN
Why strange, Stephen? A re-creation of a Ketterer cuckoo clock. I know a fellow down the hill named Browning who runs a trading post, he might give you five dollars for it.
STEPHEN
But Lefin, that's just it: I can't seem to take the clock out of the house. There is a power in it I can feel, LeFin. A power that won't allow me to get rid of it.
LeFIN
I see. Hmm. Let me look again.. yes.. oh, here we go.. I see!
STEPHEN
Come to an answer already, ol'Chap? -- you see, Hildy, I told you LeFin was as sharp of mind as any man I ever met.
LeFIN
You like the clock.
HILDY
Oh brother.
STEPHEN
Perhaps, LeFin, you might run your hands over the surface of the clock.
LeFIN
Hmm. Cold. Clammy to the touch. And now, as I open the cuckoo door, a most macabre emptiness overwhelms my senses.
STEPHEN
Now look here, LeFin: as I strike a match, and hold the flame near the clock.
LeFIN
Runes.. Runes appearing under the flame.
STEPHEN
Ever seen anything like them?
LeFIN
Once... Borneo.
STEPHEN
Was this "The Craven Case of the Boon in Bontang"?
LeFIN
No, no. Some years further back. We call it "The Case of the Runes". I need to make a call to one Doctor Sindahamya, who lives down the hill. He is a scholar of ancient Sanskrit.
HILDY
That's Judahite.
LEFIN
I need to make a call to a comedian friend of mine named Nathan Silver who plays at the Chuckle Hut down the hill. An expert in Yid catchphraseology.
STEPHEN
LeFin. We need you, Man! This clock. It, when, per se, when I sleep, it .. it speaks to me.
LeFIN
Speaks? What does it say?
STEPHEN
Terrible, terrible things. LeFin. Such things, I dare not repeat. It asks me to.. do things. To Hildy.
LeFIN
What kind of things?
STEPHEN
I can only whisper them.
LeFIN
Fine. Whisper.. Uh huh.. M-hmm.. Yes.. Well... I need to make a call to Freddy Von Shay, a friend of mine who manages the all male gymnastics troupe down the hill.
STEPHEN
Please hurry, LeFin. Please.
LeFIN
Where is your phone?
STEPHEN
We don't have a phone.
LeFIN
No?
HILDY
He traded it for the clock.
SCARY VOICE
LeFinnnnnnnnn.
LeFIN
What the?
SCARY VOICE
LeFinnnn.
LeFIN
Who speaks my name?
SCARY VOICE
It is I: Aguares.
LeFIN
Aguares. The manager of Royal Chicken from down the hill?
HILDY
No, you jerk, Aguares the mayor of East Hell. The demon. He rides a crocodile. He makes earthquakes. Clearly he was trapped in that clock four-hundred years ago by a devil-obsessed Germanic necromancer.
LeFIN
That seems farfetched.
SCARY VOICE
She's pretty close. But he was a buttocks-obsessed Germanic necromancer. Now I want freedom, rejuvenation! And LeFin the fool has walked into my trap!
LeFIN
Stephen, do you know what this clock is talking about? I'm lost.
SCARY VOICE
And when I am free, I will take this Hildy as my bride! She hath a can that don't quit! What you do not know, what I will now tell you, LeFin hath brought the Scarab of Ra with him.. the key to my freedom!
LEFIN
This old thing? I bought this from Browning down the hill. I'm going to make a bolo tie out of it.
HILDY
Wow.
(CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK)
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