ACE: 1999

(The triumphant return of one Ace Milton, the actor who choked away every shot he had.  Let his bitterness be your joy.  This is his spot now, and below is his commentary on all the plum roles he lost out on in the above mentioned year)
1. I read for the Phantom Menace.  By read I mean squeak incoherently in an attempt to master what the casting director described as a "chinesey lizard person".


2. I was fired from The Thin Red Line for not being prepared; I was the only fat private in the Pacific theater.


3. 1999 was a weird time for me for sure, anyway whatever you've heard about me I was not fired by Mel Gibson on the set of Payback for calling Kris Kristofferson a Jew.


4. I lost out on a role in Cookie's Fortune, and the messed up thing is Bob Altman himself told me I was great, but that Chris O'Donnel was going to be the next Keith Carradine.  How'd that turn out, Altman -- with you being dead now.


5. I missed the audition for Bringing Out the Dead because me and Gary Oldman went on a bender.  I don't know how it started, but I remember waking up on the street of a trailer park in Pahrump, Nevada while Gary stood naked on the roof of a double-wide doing an impression of himself in Dracula: "It ees no lah-fing mah-tahhhhh!"


6. This is the truth: I had a role in the now classic Bicentennial Man starring Robin Williams -- I met the Chris Columbus at his house for lunch.  Everything was going beautifully until Chris asked me if I had any questions for him on the project.  I said, "One.  Is James Horner doing the score for you?"  Columbus said, "He is."  I said, "No fucking way; I will NEVER be in a picture scored by James Fucking Horner, that trash-bag of jingles."  I stood up, threw the Pinot in his face, and walked out of there.


7. I am probably the one who gave Julianne Moore crabs.  So, no Magnolia for me.


8. One time Harrison Ford told me, with my bad attitude I was never going to make it in this business.  I replied, "What have you ever done?"